i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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