I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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