WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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