ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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