I have demons in me.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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