Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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