I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
