That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
