a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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