Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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