Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
