**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
