End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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