SEEEEXXX PLEASE
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
