My first STD was from a foam party
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
