Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
