I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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