My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
