she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
