Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
