Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
