I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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