You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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