Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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