remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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