What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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