I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
