there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
