look no pants
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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