I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
