I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
