Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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