No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
