My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
