i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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