she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
