Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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