i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.