i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate