You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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