Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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