Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
