And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
