I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
