Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
