I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
