do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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