things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
whose ass print is on the piano?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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