I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
