I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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