Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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