For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
