Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
