btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
