you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I checked into jail on foursquare
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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