You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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